Measuring tapes never lie
by Tau'ri42
Summary: A completely different take on that infamous line. Warning - pure randomness and minor crossover.


Disclaimer - I own a copy of JB's new CD, does that count?

Author's note - I have no Idea where this came from, but it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. So here it is, my first torchwood fic, enjoy!

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It was Friday afternoon and all was quiet in the hub. In the absence of anything to occupy them the members of torchwood three were taking the opportunity to have a well-earned break. As he glanced round him Ianto saw that Tosh was playing solitaire on her computer and Owen and Gwen looked to be in the middle of a noughts and crosses tournament.

"Hey Ianto, what happened to that coffee?"

Ianto sighed; at least everyone was having a break except him. He really didn't understand why on a day as quiet as this, when they really had nothing better to do, his colleagues were still incapable of making their own coffee.

"Sorry Jack, coming."

He quickly exited the kitchen and headed over to where his boss was sat behind his desk fiddling with something, an interested look on his face.

"What's that?" Asked Ianto gesturing to the object in his boss's hands.

"Nothing, just a tape measure."

"Why...?"

"It came through the rift a few days back, I haven't had a chance to look at it properly until now."

"What's to look at if it's just a tape measure?"

"Well, that's the question isn't it?"

"Um, I'm not sure I understand."

"Neither do I, but I know how we can find out."

"Ok…"

"Hey, Owen, can you come in here for a sec."

"How important is it? I'm kinda busy Jack."

"Owen, you are playing noughts and crosses with Gwen. In no way shape or form could that ever be considered busy. Now come here I need to test something."

"On me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

There was a sigh and few seconds later Owen's very annoyed face appeared behind the door.

"What?"

"Come here."

Owen cautiously approached the two men standing in the middle of the room.

"Just stand there, and stay still." Instructed Jack as he handed one end of the tape measure to Ianto.

"What are you doing? I think I know how tall I am thank you."

Jack didn't reply he just held the other end of the tape up to Owen's head and looked at it. "Extremely arrogant and obnoxious."

"What did you say?"

"Technically I didn't say it, the tape measure did."

"Let me see." He glanced at the place Jack was pointing to on the tape. "Well clearly the thing is broken."

"Only one way to find out, come back here Ianto."

Ianto, who had been slowly edging towards the door, having guessed what was coming, froze.

"You're not getting out of it that easily, come on it's only a bit of fun."

Ianto sighed and headed back towards Jack.

"Secretive and far too tidy." Announced Jack a few seconds later. "Well I think that clears that up, definitely not broken."

"What isn't broken?" Asked Gwen as she entered the room.

"Ah Gwen, Excellent, can you come here please?"

"Why? You haven't answered my question."

"We're testing something that came through the rift and we need your help."

"Not until I know what it is you have or haven't broken, if it's my new mug I'll…"

"Your mug is fine, for now. If you don't agree to help us though…"

"Are you trying to blackmail me?"

"Is it working?"

Gwen sighed. "Fine, what do you want me to do?" Jack grinned.

"Hold this please." He replied as he passed her one end of what looked like a tape measure.

"Jack what is this?"

"That's what we're trying to find out, now stand still." A moment later he continued. "Very stubborn and nosy."

"What?"

"You are apparently."

"And how did you work that one out?"

"It says so right here." He showed her the other end of the tape.

"That's ridiculous Jack, how can a tape measure tell that?"

"I don't know but it seems to be pretty good."

"Hey!"

"You know, in an insulting kind of way."

"Really, and what did it say about you."

"Look there's Tosh, I think it's her turn next."

"Jack, what about you?"

"Not now Gwen, come on." And with that he sprinted from the room in the direction of an oblivious Toshiko. "Hey Tosh."

"What?" She answered without moving her gaze from the monitor in front of her.

"Can you give me a hand with something?"

"Hang on a sec." She quickly turned over the last card and glanced at the clock in the corner of the screen. "One minute fifty-three, could be worse I suppose." She turned to look at him. "Now, what did you say you wanted?"

Jack held up the tape measure.

"We're testing my latest discovery."

"Define 'we'."

"Including you."

Tosh sighed. "That's what I was afraid of."

"Come on, it's not even that painful, I promise."

"What do you mean, not _that_ painful."

"It'll only hurt your ego, which is practically non-existent compared to mine, so you have nothing to worry about." Came a voice from the doorway.

"Owen?"

"Yeah, it's me. Seriously Tosh, just do what he says and get it over with."

"Fine." She replied as Owen, Gwen and Ianto entered the room.

"Workaholic tends to obsess over things." Announced Jack a moment later.

"What do you know, maybe that thing does work after all!" Exclaimed Owen. Tosh glared at him in reply and he smiled innocently.

"How does it work?" She asked, turning to Jack.

"No Idea."

"Can I have a look at it?"

"Not yet." Interrupted Gwen. Once Tosh got her hands on it the chances were that it wouldn't be seen again in one piece for months. "We haven't tried it on Jack."

There was a pause and the staff of torchwood three all turned to look at their leader.

"Ok." Jack held up his hands in mock resignation and handed the tape measure to Ianto.

"I don't believe it!" Exclaimed Ianto a few seconds later.

"What does it say?" Asked Gwen eagerly.

"Captain Jack Harkness." He read aloud slowly, is if not quite able to believe it. "Practically perfect in every way."

"Well you know what they say." Replied Jack with a grin. "Measuring tapes never lie."

Reviews are very much appreciated.


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